Haven't blogged in like forever.

Nobody ever reads this blog anymore, and I wish I could ever go back to the days when people did.

The time when I was surrounded with my poly friends which I really, really took for granted.

Eugene, CC, Linda, Mag, Shilin. I really really wish life could rewind itself back to the days of my poly 1.

What would I have done differently?

So many, so many things I would have done differently.

I would never have fell for you if I knew that it would be the end of our relationship.

I would have held every single one of those friends closer to me. I would have prioritized my life better.

How sad is it when you enter your twenties and you look around, and you just realized, that whatever you are left with, is those you had in the beginning.

Whatever you did in the past 5 years have been redundant.

For a brief moment in my life I was wondering, am I ready for it? Was I ready to throw my life and its prospects away as I try to rein you in and try and make your life wholesome and positive again.

Should the day come when you come back to Singapore, was I willing and able to try to make you mine, sign on the army and receive a high allowance, very capable of supporting a family.

But now I know, you are not the one for me. The entire episode of my feelings towards you were all a mask for the hurt I felt from her.

A sadistic facade, smothered by your gentle touch. You are not a bad person, at least not to me. Regardless of whatever you did or do, we will and always remain friends for as long as you want us to be friends.

So I say it now, regardless of whether you ever read it or not. I will never fall for you again. You have never been there when I needed you, things always revolved around you. In that romantic sense, you are no different from Shilin.

Perhaps I expect too much from someone I like. But for the amount I am willing and do put forward, am I wrong to expect it?

Am I expected to receive 50% when I give my 100%?

Life have been hard, its been very grueling, so many challenges, so little hope, so much frustrations.

For the next 2 years I will cry to myself, I will hug myself to sleep, I will bottle all my sorrows. I will eat every damn fucking thing this world have to throw at me.

But I know. I know when I enter uni, with all these positive and negative experiences that I had the misfortune and fortune to endure,

I will find a person who shares an equal zeal and passion to life as I do.

And thats how I will kick my bad habits.

A person who can hug and hold me tight and tell me. I don't want you to ever touch a ciggarete with me ever again, and whenever you need me i'll be there.