i hate the way things had turn out. i done almost everything within my power save of cutting off my internet access, to ensure that i would never have to feel like this again. but yet, things just come flooding back, for reasons i don't know. I can swear i thought i deleted our chat history for good when i changed my phone. but yet, there was a backup on a CD. i even modified my msn. yet this still happens. nothing happened. at all. why must it be you to be the first? following years of introversy, being otracised and alienated by others, why must it be you of all people, to give me back my self-belief that was mercilessly taken away from me? u may not know, but u indirectly did it. and yet, i can't even do fuck about this. for reasons which i personally feel is true and logical. Whenever i think its over, you would pop out of nowhere, and appear right before me again. and each time, the same feeling returns. as much as i try to condemn it, the feeling is omni-present. i'll rather wish i remained lonely and isolated from people, then have to go through this. Cause the feeling combined with the sense of helplessness, really fucks my thoughts. and since the reason is something i can never resolve, no matter how rich, smart, strong-willed i am, i just hope for it to go away quickly. and for my mind to once again be free of such mental stress.