I understand why most people i know, whether very closely, or just merely recognize, will so many of them be shocked at my age. most first reactions are that i'm kidding. or something. i always thought it was due to one reason, being the physical build i have. apparently not. it seems that the gamer average age is about 18. mine was too far off course. hence it was a cause of wonder. it was as though, i was literally like the extra. honestly, i wouldn't deny that. there was once, i was even called Spongebob Shortpants by my mVp clan mates. why? in the WCG inter-school 2005, i won the first place, and due to formality, my picture was taken, with me holding my prize, alas, i was wearing short pants. means i was >sec 2. i always regarded it as a joke. and i still will. but this shows the age gap, between myself and them.


i always thought as i have written previously. that creating a niche for myself in certain, was all that mattered. with it would come everything else i lacked in life. or so i thought. so many things came. some expected, accepted, wanted. others, unwanted.

in light of this, i realize... what they say is beyond 100% true. im not even legal yet. why should i try to mix with people who are legal say 2 years, 1 year ago? ginahs should stick to their own circle of friends, as with those not. i had enough of trying to do something which noone had done before. i had enough of trialing a new route. i will just give in to sheer peer influence. and become what i formally was.


keeping what i want to say,
kills off any possible inspiration.
i yearn to get it off my chest,
so that at last,
i can be inspired by anything
to let my fingers move freely,
and compose essays,
once again for leisure
to entertain myself.

Hmm...

is this how it ends?

fraught with disappointments, and relief

after slogging it out, going all out

for a extended period of time,

going into over time

extra time

...

maybe

its fate.

=P


1 4 m o r e s a d d a y s .

Now i understand why so many people say i look very guai lan. its a fact, i do look very guai lan. i must agree to a very huge extent. looking at myself in any mirror, or any reflective object, it always appears to me, that the person staring back at me, is pretty guai lan.

the root of the problem, is that i dont smile enough. when i smile, i realise that the guai lan look, has dissipated. its totally incredible, how i can know such a fact, and yet not do anything about it. but yet, im trying... really hard.

to smile as much as i can, even when im unhappy with something, or disappointed.

its not easy, for a person who dosent like smiling or interacting, to suddenly start smiling at every damn thing.

apparently.

I'm getting so tired of all these.

this constant feeling

seemingly, always seem to stem forth from dota.

i am so seriously, going to quit dota

whether people like it or not

i don't want to have this feeling any more

it's just not worth it.

not for me.

to say the least.

23 June 2006

26 June 2006

27 June 2006

18 July 2006

29 August 2006

8 November 2006

and a few more before.

were the best days, i spent at home.

looking back on those days, one might think you were my best friend or something

right now, i feel we are more of strangers

It must be because you have moved on,

and i'm still feeling like this,

cause i haven't.

Today, on the train back from funan.

after my friend dropped at boon keng,

i was leaning against a pole in the train.

there was this guy, with very thin, and little hair

starting smiling at me.

uncomfortable, i closed my eyes.

when i opened it at the serangoon stop,

he turned away from me,

and when i turned towards the exit,

i saw someone. who resembled you.

a near 100%

i could swear i thought it was you.

she even had that thinking stance which you usually do

my breathing hastened

only then i realized.

it is all my imagination.

you don't stay on the north east line.

I know i've done a lot of things i shouldn't have done.

Things that brand me a rebel, a bastard,possibly a law violator.

Is there really a god? i tend to wonder.

Sometimes, when i'm really depressed, my last resort is to say a short prayer, and almost all the time, i feel better.

scientifically, it can't be proved, and it apparently has got something to do with the psychological factor.

I don't know, but one thing, i definitely believe in, is that is karma.

what goes around, comes around.

For every negative, comes another.

Positives? maybe.

Even, if i've done so many negative things.

Why dosen't everything just affect me?

Just strike me with lightning, or give me a broken arm, or something similar.

Why must it be things that i care about?

Why must it be emotional and psychological?

can't it just fucking be physical?

Let me just go fucking whine about it.

rather than feel this way, and nothing really happens.

Very intriguing, how can we not even choose our just deserts.

its like, we are just characters moving about in a real-time mmorpg.

there is a gm, that is dishing out everything at his discretion.

we can't reason, we can't do anything else. we just accept. and change, better or worse.


intriguing again, how one can be so nonchalant, when he is so very much affected.


...k ..u ...g

When your teammate tells you to back,

you would, unless you thought you could achieve something.

But first, why did your teammate ask you to back?

Cause he was afraid that you may die, or be a stepping stone for consequent events.

But, if you deem it as nonsense.

Would you still go?

Or is it because of your that teammate, that you are holding back?

My heart is telling me to go,

But that teammate, refuses to let go.



S e r i o u s l y . . . f u c k t h i s


i do not deserve this in any way. must be my past incarnation.

Killing Spree, Dominating, Mega Kill, Unstoppable, Whicked Sick!

Double Kill!!!
Triple Kill!!!
Triple Kill!!!
Triple Kill!!!
Triple Kill!!!
Triple Kill!!!

bet you didnt know that ken played warcraft, and wow! he is level 11, 7 levels higher than me at that time =x secret training... !

I've been called useless by my mum... again.

am i really that useless?

Maybe. Squandering my life away, not holding back

hours are like water, waste them perpetually

what really defines useful?

Does only studying, doing housework, or pleasing her mean useful?

I guess so, whatever i do, she will never find a good point.

when i study, she says i am just acting in front of her.

must i really do so?

i live for myself, not for others, i don't like to get influenced.

i hate people poking into my lives.

i live life the way i like it, the same way i would write a essay.

morally correct, ethical, or what not, its all my choice.

unless someone takes away that pen,

i would relentlessly, press on, in search of self-gratification.

the line between bad and good, is oh so illusive.

It's all in the eye of the beholder.

I just want to give up on so many things

But for various reasons, i just can't.

you are right, i would be a bastard

if i just walk away from all these.

but, what else can i do?

i have no choice, but to just face it,

squarely, with the future, a big question mark.

I've thought it through,

Just when i wanted to make a change,

I have you to account for.

this is one of the rare times,

which i am not living for myself.

simply because, i don't bastard good friends

or at least thats what i regard you as.

Please. let it be soon, our agreement.

I'm feeling so gawd damn random.

Amazingly, i'm beginning to dislike someone i shouldn't dislike.

Why is that so... Hmm...

I have this fleeting feeling within my head,

which does not seem to go away.

its about time, i condemn it to the side of my head,

but it wouldn't move.

so i guess, i just have to silence it,

by dousing it with alcohol, and fogging it with smoke.

I finally realise, what so many people were trying to tell me, when i asked. whether it is coincidentally, or intentionally, i've understooded the rationality, and the way to give something up. giving something up, easy, depending on the degree of importance to us. simple things like lending a book, is like "giving up" the book for a period of time, with no gurantee of getting it back. that is easy, should we not need it. things that is of little importance to us, giving up, is beyond easy. its merely just a process, and we are going through the motion. But when things get beyond little importance, i realised that its no longer that easy. Take the handphone for example. How willing are we to give up our phone for only a single day? even though it is just a single day, and we are guranteed the return the following day, we will hardly ever give it up, simply because, we place a huge importance on our phone. the same work with life. everytime we feel like giving up, the only thing that prevents us from doing so, is that we value highly that instance, that object, that process, that relationship.

"I will quit competitive gaming after CAPL spring."
"I will quit competitive gaming after ESWC."
"I will quit competitive gaming after WCG."
"I will quit competitive gaming after WGT."

why does all that seem ever so familar? its all because i said it before, i've written it before. but i've never done it. something about gaming, always bring me back, after i decided to quit. its that irreplaceable feeling in me, that always bring me back. the only reason why i can't quit is because, i don't have any other game to play, nothing else to do. even by comforting myself that i can just mass watch dramas, it won't work. i've got maybe an average of 8 hours day free, how many days can i last in proportion to the dramas? and at what cost? same with the rest, i dont have anything else to do, that's why i would never give up competitive gaming, as its literally the only thing that is giving me some life, in my otherwise monotonous life. same with relationships, when we are experiencing a situation of utmost bliss, and comfort, or the minimal amount of care, which we hold so dear, should it suddenly be withdrawn, and the other party states that he is giving up, what are we to do? wallow in self pity? drown sorrows in something else? consequent result, a distracted person to boot, the whole day round, with weird habits displaying. the only logical way to end it, is for us to give it up too. giving up without any replacement, needs a whole lot of willpower, and clarity in thinking, something which we, as humans, mostly lack. we are so used to being led around, being told exactly what to do, that when we become detached from our reliant lifestyle, and we have to make a serious stand, and think for the betterment of ourselves, we more often than not, falter. only other way is to find a substitute, a replacement, that will give us the same sense of security, as we had previously.

in light of this, now i know why i still cant give it up, even though i've told myself to just fuck off from this, stay away from this, dont think about it, it always reverts back to the same thing. will it change once i find someone else? i don't know, i doubt it, but the future is for us all to behold.