there is really nothing in my life to celebrate.
its filled with misery, anguish, anxiety.
everyday, i'm faced with a ******* enviroment
the stress is compounding
its taking its toll on me.
im starting to drink more liqour than ever.
from a beer once in awhile.
to a beer every other day.
now, its whisky.
whats next
smoking
drugs
or


i really am really frustrated at how my life is.
why cant i grow up faster.
get out of this shit.
falling down in the mud, yet lacking the strength to pull myself up
solitary figure prone
enduring the endless pain of the weather
proven
is it
broken
it is

Woah. S.H.E's concert just finished yesterday at Xiao Jv Dan
Was so exicted for them worh
Kept thinking about what was going on yesterday.
i wish i was there,
In taipei, Xiao Jv Dan,
The atmosphere there must be superb
Could imagine how tired they was
But yet could sense their perserverance in performing
I really admire them, envy them
admire their dedication. envy their friendship

i really like them so,
their attitude really captivates me,
leaves me dreaming on hours with no end.
they are so perfect oh,
the overwhelming blend of perfection.
Straight-Forward,Playful,Cheerful.
Argh.
Im in such a loss for words.

first time, in a long time, was i so distracted,
even when im very emo, i will be much less distracted.
this time, i was distracted, knowing something phenomenal was happening.
i wasnt there to witness it.
but my heart was there.
i was feeling anxiety, butterflies in my stotmach
as though i was about to perform.

and oh yeah. Double encore.
S.H.E had a Double encore at Xiao Jv Dan,
they came out the second time,
to qing chang Mo Li.
what a special,sensational miss i had.

i wish, i wish, upon that star.

back to the real life.

I was arrogant, i was proud.
I thought myself as one of the best.
I didnt take advice,
I couldnt take criticism
I went against logic, to make myself proud
I did everything i could, to make others think i was great.

in actual fact.

I was stupid, i was dumb
I am one of the worst
I was dumb to not take advice
I was childish not to be able to take criticism
I am lousy in every aspect of character,
I succeeded, at the price of cheapening my character.

after swimming in the pool, things became apparent to me. a apt description of me would be.

Within everyone, they just want to be loved.
I had to put on a false front, to make myself appear strong
i could not take defeat, i would not take blame
I thought i was perfect,flawless as could be.

Cracked,Flawed,Shattered.
My character sucks beyond reason.
I dont blame those who dislike me.
Those who hated me once.

Those i betrayed,
Those i Scolded,
Those i fought with,
Those i Stared at,
Those i challenged,

I'm sorry.

beneath that gruff exterior, lies a quiet, introvert, who succumbs to emotional hurt easily.

everyone says that childhood is the most innocent, most pure, most fun time of everyone's life. i think otherwise. i dont know whether school is more stressful, or holidays are. in school, faced with countless pieces of papers with so much blank space, in stark comparison with at home, feelings changing tirelessly, one moment, i can feel happy, next i can be desolate, despodent, rejected, emotional. why? im compounding stress on myself, no doubt. im stressing myself over the least likely things to be stressed about, but yet, i have no control. bullshit, if they staying at home is the least stressful, i think watching a movie, playing lan, is much better than being cooped up at home. wouldnt want to elaborate anymore.


Why must somethings happen to me.
things that i cant control
but yet affect me so diversely
these things
are god sent
but yet do not reflect
the sender's image.


43 more days.

Reaching For The Stars - Zhen Ming Tian Nv

does that sounds familar? well maybe, if u watched it before. i've watched the entire series before, and after 1 year, i've garnered enough free, alone time today(which is gawddamn rare) to try to rewatch it. i had 3 hours... 2 and a half hours to be exact to watch the entire series. of course, i couldnt it was far too interesting to fast forward the show so many times. to those who still dont know what im talking about, it is the 1st ou xiang ju which S.H.E acted together in as the main cast. the show is based on the comic zhen ming tian nv i believe, where Selina starts off as Zhou Xin Lei, Ella as Ren Jie and Hebe as Shen Xiao Rou. their roles get juggled constantly, well, to cut it short, Xin Lei - Model - Office Worker - Chef, Ren Jie - Mechanic,Pizza Delivery,Night Market Peddler - Chairman - Coffee Brewer. and Xiao Rou from Police - Bodyguard - Security Officer - Bodyguard - Chairman. the show packs alot of exicting moments, and of course, first times. for instance, it is the first time, Selina looks so fierce to the camera, Ella would actually believe really emotional, and as for Hebe, watch it to find out yourself.

In my opinion, a great drama serial to spend your free-time watching, although it have a pretty low "replayability" rating, but for first-timers, the plot will have you captivated to your sofa, changing disc after disc, trying to figure what will be next. im not trying to publise it or anything, but im just trying to keep those bored peeps from going insane this holidays =\.


why is so many people creating blogs nowadays? hmm.

Fanfiction

what is fanfiction? many people ask me that. fiction = not true stories, fan = fanbase, supporters. geddit? so put it together, becomes the fanbase writing not true stories about their idols =]. anyway. i love reading fanfiction, of course i choose which ones i would read. needless to say, i would only read S.H.E's one. i love the setting of how others write them. pretty original plots i would say, every story has its own unique point, intriguing me for countless hours a day. personally, i would find some stories rather repetitive once i read alot of fanfictions. but i still enjoy it. some stories are more action packed, some more bitchy, some more slutty, everything. interesting how those fans think ^_^. lemme give an example, 1 story i read. its the forewords, where they will introduce the characters

"Jolin : Bully of the school, pretty, flirt"

interesting aint it. all stories i read, protray S.H.E as the more demure type of girl, where they are always on the receiving end of the bully, and never the giving end. some stories are even heart-wrenching. some is exicting, some is suspenseful. but well, all interesting. one very original piece i read, was "Double Life" the story revolves around a college girl, Hebe who is leading a double life, surprassed by her over protective parents, who had a say in everything she did, including the way she dressed, did not let her go out, prohibited her from having a boyfriend... in the day, she leads the quiet, more introvert type of girl who lives in the same room as Selina, but at night, she would go out to clubs, and enjoy herself. the story finally ended, when her parents realised they were too over-protective and gave her more freedom. well, thats just a short review. there is so many more interesting ones too.

i personally, have also started a fanfiction myself titled "i'm sorry i've gotta go" the story is about S.H.E of course, who after going through so much heart-breaks, dangerous events, stalkers, brushing near death and yea u get what i mean, at last, was given a choice. to stay or to go. but well, im on chapter 18 now, until the website crashed, i think the host went for a holiday or something. definitely, when it comes up, im gonna post at least 3 chapters. i've written 19 and 20 already. but cannot post. =\.

to end it off, WHY IS WINGLIN DOWN! T_T

Telok Blangah CC - Game 1

Geminga Vs Exquisite

this is held @ telok blangah CC, which is rather out of the way @ harbour front there. organiser was good, comps sucks. facilities pretty ok. seriously, macropyre + poison nova + epicenter = instant comp crash =X. ok enough about that.

Geminga(1st pick) : Warlock
Viper
Thd
Veno
Doom

Exquisite(2nd pick) : Chen
Qop
Pugna
Sand King
Syllabear

Top : THD Doom vs Qop Sk Chen
Mid : Warlock vs Pugna
Bot : Viper Veno vs Syllabear

early game, we lost first blood, where the Thd was first blooded due to a very unlucky block by creeps @ top. he already got burrow striked, shadow striked and still got blocked. how much sadder can one get. Lol bottom was owning, where viper got a very early killing spree on Syllabear. mid was great with Warlock reaching level 6 before pugna, dropping a bomb on pugna, with me coming from behind and finishing off the pugna. did my ™ backstab on their qop, after receiving a dual breath, he blinked. in hope of survival, but into the hands of the doom bringer. =X the game was ahem pretty much one-sided after their first blood. once Thd got his blink, there was no turning back. Holy Shit. =X

Telok Blangah CC - Game 2

Geminga vs JA

this is the 2nd round for us, with our full team coming in, which comprised of me,ren,wang,ken,cloud. the opponents were pretty friendly yeah, cool hair, love to joke etc. their draft was uber though. =X

Geminga(1st pick) : Warlock
THD
Venomancer
Zeus
Rogue Knight

JA(2nd pick) : Viper
Earth Shaker
Lich
Treant Protector
Medusa

this game was really funny. on seeing their draft, we began doing lame stuff. and i mean lame.Early game, their combo of Medusa And ES first blooded us. their ES was pretty accruate to say the least. zeus kept ksing everything, and i kept dying. we wanted whole team blink. that.. was until our RK dced. so i shelved my plan of blink, grabbed a few bracers and my Helm of Domination and started to hunt. i controled the RK. luckily our THD had farmed sufficiently enough, to grab some gosu items. in the end, after using my veno to ulti, i attacked someone and microed the RK. woo i used the RK to get 2 towers, lots of creeps a dominating streak, and a double kill. won the game pretty much convincingly. after a pretty much joke, when the treant was hiding near the trees, the infernal dropped, and gg to treant. =X.

PS: the RK was level 7, had a boots and blink only when he dced.

O2 Jam

even though im a noob @ o2jam, i still find it very fun. its destressing, challenging and well. interesting.it feels weird, moving your fingers so fast, and yet see so many misses =X. but well, im a noob... yeah...

now playing only 3 songs,
Milk Chocolate
Bride in Dream
Song of Pain

well, mainly because i find the melody nice, and the notes, are of average difficulty, thats why i love em so. esp song of pain. i've like played it over 40 times? and i still aint bored of it. w00ts.

Why should i always appear weak. why does my msn nick always show me as a down and out person? why do i not dare to challenge insults on me? i guess. its uncomprehensible by me. but one thing's for sure. Boss, i've done all i can. i've apologised. i've talked to some of the mvpians. only you have refused to let go. sure, i've betrayed. whatever u want to say. but i think. that people like Ng Jian Wen and Tse Shu Chun knows the meaning of Friendship > gaming more than you. if u dont even know who is Tse Shu Chun, then lol. i dont know what else i can do anymore to make u any less du lan than you are feeling now. i feel i've done enough. the rest, is for you to handle.

why do i always put myself down. "oxygen sucks, i suck" does that not appear on my msn nick with an alarming regularity? i guess, i was living in self-delusion. i should snap out of it. but little means, do i suck. playing wc3, i dont feel im really outclassed in anyway when i lose. i only lose because of inexperience, not micro. give me a balanced micro match up and lets see who will come out top. dota, after losing a dota match, i blame myself. whatever for? just learn from it and move on. i guess what they said was right. im too emo. even though i shouldnt be showing that side of me. gg gl hf to those who think that words can put me down. cause it wont.

its time to come out of self-delusion.
retrain myself to my very best.
and finish what i set off to do.
WCG 2007, here i come.

nO mOOd


Argh.how emotionally taxing one would be when they thought he was so near, yet so far. came up with a few drafts. trained so much on that draft, kicked so much ass. and yet when the biggest test was right ahead of us, we had to screw up. the attitude to me was totally fucked up. nothing makes me more pissed than negativity. i think i am very disappointed with my teammates. very disappointed with the referee for that dubious decision. or am i? in actual fact. i'm living in self-denial once again. i can be blamed a pretty much portion for the loss.. i mean like, i didnt research my hero's weaknesses. i did not farm out fast enough. i was the only strength yet i couldnt tank, i made a few bad engages. i couldnt kill them enough, i didnt hunt enough. i didnt ward. i didnt report enough. i didnt anticipate their actions. i didnt win. really puts my spirit down.

"tough men are those who pick themselves up after they fall"

sounds familar? yeah, it should be. our teachers tell us that, our seniors tell us that. our families tell us that. our brothers, our sisters, our uncles. anyone. tell us that. it is supposed to "motivate" us. but lets be honest, that is just a whole load of bullshit. in my opinion,

"tough men are those who make it nearly impossible to fall"

and when they do fall, they have to rebuild that confidence. to ensure they dont fall a second time. sure they are stumbles. this is life. what less do we want out of it? it is inevitable. what irks me is that people use that sentence to help people recover. sure! they help the convinced. to me, nah. when i do fall, i need some time. to pick myself back up. it is not a overnight thing. it is a build-up. those friends i have, are not meant to talk some personal stuffs. they'll think im gay or something. thats the problem with guys. too fucking egoistic, arrogant, all almighty. i wont dis-lodge myself from that category, but im trying. really hard. but noone's appreciating what im doing. whenever i try to be nice, i always get called a gay or something. really makes me want to reconsider my decision of changing. i'm so fucking stupid, i left the closest gaming friends i have, to join a competitive clan. i keep doing bad decisions. i let myself fall for someone i shouldnt. i left my good buddies. i psed dota teammates. i quit rugby. i scold people i shouldnt. i hate people i should be nice to.

its too late now. none of those can be changed. i just go to live life as it is. a solitary person, fighting against the ceaseless torrents of the oceans, how long can i last? sometimes i wonder. is it possible to come out. victorious and unscathed? i hope this will all be undone, fixed,healed in due time. and i sure hope. its soon.

Arr, so tired today, started the day with some maple, leveled up 3 times this morning. then went out to watch movie. went to watch the Andy Lau's film. pretty cool. but ironic. the main characters. all got pwned. poor Yi Yue got her tongue cut off T_T. farking Gu li or wadever his name is not gosu enough to save her =(. damnx. then went to Asteroids with Gideon and Surya together to play a lan match. played against keith's team.. oww. first match lost, and second one won. interesting.. interesting.. interesting.. wagagaga.

Tomororow is GXL day. hopefully can win lolx. im getting poor. wagaga leave those to fate. or something like that i'll guess. no point in hoping for so much. i mean like my group is wtf barbecue lar. mi2 then dn? wow. thats real cute... ClicK - Ftw!


It is very dangerous to jump to conclusion on something which you do not know based on some half-baked arguments.
as you may encounter the truth.. one day.