nO mOOd


Argh.how emotionally taxing one would be when they thought he was so near, yet so far. came up with a few drafts. trained so much on that draft, kicked so much ass. and yet when the biggest test was right ahead of us, we had to screw up. the attitude to me was totally fucked up. nothing makes me more pissed than negativity. i think i am very disappointed with my teammates. very disappointed with the referee for that dubious decision. or am i? in actual fact. i'm living in self-denial once again. i can be blamed a pretty much portion for the loss.. i mean like, i didnt research my hero's weaknesses. i did not farm out fast enough. i was the only strength yet i couldnt tank, i made a few bad engages. i couldnt kill them enough, i didnt hunt enough. i didnt ward. i didnt report enough. i didnt anticipate their actions. i didnt win. really puts my spirit down.

"tough men are those who pick themselves up after they fall"

sounds familar? yeah, it should be. our teachers tell us that, our seniors tell us that. our families tell us that. our brothers, our sisters, our uncles. anyone. tell us that. it is supposed to "motivate" us. but lets be honest, that is just a whole load of bullshit. in my opinion,

"tough men are those who make it nearly impossible to fall"

and when they do fall, they have to rebuild that confidence. to ensure they dont fall a second time. sure they are stumbles. this is life. what less do we want out of it? it is inevitable. what irks me is that people use that sentence to help people recover. sure! they help the convinced. to me, nah. when i do fall, i need some time. to pick myself back up. it is not a overnight thing. it is a build-up. those friends i have, are not meant to talk some personal stuffs. they'll think im gay or something. thats the problem with guys. too fucking egoistic, arrogant, all almighty. i wont dis-lodge myself from that category, but im trying. really hard. but noone's appreciating what im doing. whenever i try to be nice, i always get called a gay or something. really makes me want to reconsider my decision of changing. i'm so fucking stupid, i left the closest gaming friends i have, to join a competitive clan. i keep doing bad decisions. i let myself fall for someone i shouldnt. i left my good buddies. i psed dota teammates. i quit rugby. i scold people i shouldnt. i hate people i should be nice to.

its too late now. none of those can be changed. i just go to live life as it is. a solitary person, fighting against the ceaseless torrents of the oceans, how long can i last? sometimes i wonder. is it possible to come out. victorious and unscathed? i hope this will all be undone, fixed,healed in due time. and i sure hope. its soon.