Decisions.


why is it that sometimes when i make a decision, i am not able to carry out with it. why is it that i could speak so big at that moment, and i wont carry out what i spoke. why is it that i could never comprehend how i thought. why is it that i care too much about how people think of me. why cant i find that spark once again. why.
why is it that when i decided to leave rugby why am i once again considering to join back rugby. is it cause of the fact that i want to play again? the team needs me? a sense of belonging? or just for self-gratification? i never would understand myself. im a failure in many things. i failed to keep many promises. i fail to tell the whole truth on most occasions. i fail to be able to upkeep promises to myself. i fail in studies. i fail in love. i fail in games. i betrayed my friend a few years back, and till now, i've never forgiven myself totally. i've never recovered from that childhood scar that was left behind by some of my seniors. i have never succeeded in breaking out of my introversial shell. i've developed a inferiority complex as a result. i live in self-denial. the believe that by being the best. is testimony to greatness. a aura of invicibility. respected by many. apparently, things do not turn out as i want it to be. somehow someway, i cant shed any tears. i dont know why. sometimes, i just wanna let it all out. but these times. i have noone to turn to anymore to talk about it. the last time i tried, produced dire results. interesting enough, after watching very sad shows, or motivating stories, excessive pain i still cant shed a tear. but yet, a few months ago, i actually shed a tear for a very stupid reason, i was so stupid then. it was plain for all to see, yet i convinced myself otherwise. if it was to continue. it was a totally retarded choice. looking at others, and trying to be a second one like them was going to fail. i guess toi was right. ending it early was the right thing to do. as would a tower rush, dont allow the opponent to tech up but instead go in for the kill, gg, and its over. just like that. in a blink of a eyelid, these kind of things, only happen once per game. miss it, and u will never get it back. sometimes, it is just too hard to let the game drag. it will end in both getting frustrated. irritated until finally one person will win the game. pointless.
Dont understand? you shouldnt. its not that easy to understand unless u know background knowledge of it.


enough sidetracking. im faced with another decision which i thought was settled a few months ago. to rejoin rugby, go through another gruelling 4 months of training, coming out of it with glory, sastifaction or to leave it forever, coming out of secondary school with only gaming to my name but yet enjoy my whole holidays and everything else. its not that easy to decide i guess. if everything was so straight forward, i wont be so stressed. i wont be so annoyed, dissastified. i cant type it all out. i need someone to talk it over slowly. but is it that easy to find someone who is so sincere to care about you?

Answer? : NO