can someone shake me up? rouse me from this stupor. enlighten me on how to be a proper person? it is really strange how stupid and retarded i can get. strictly honest, i'm trying my best to change yet not change. i've taken a more positive approach with some of my friends whereby unlike in the past, i would be more reserved. i try my best to curb all my negative attitudes, yet they still show. why? am i not doing enough? its as though im putting on an act for everyone to see. im trying to change, so that it will become a part of me, a new me. forget bout the arrogant shithead. places himself above the team(im not refering to dota here). snubbing so many coaches just to attain self-grafitication. treating outsiders with more respect than close ones. im trying. im really trying but i just feel like giving up. the past few days. what i've been through, is physically. and mentally taxing. i cant bear to give up now, nor do i have the energy to disengage myself from these problems. im compounding the stress as the day goes on. i try to keep it at the back of my head, try not to think about it, but once it all surfaces together, it is more than a dilemma. im faced with the prospect of something traumatising, but yet can only sit by the side and witness. the unfolding of the trauma. i no longer want to be part of this. but yet am powerless to break free.